I Don't Like Drew Barrymore

But I can't say that in public because when I do people look at me like I just shot their dog. It's as if people feel required to like her simply because she likes butterflies and monkeys and still looks like a ten year-old. Sure...forget the fact her movies are pretentious and she thinks acting is nothing but a rotation of sulking and giggling.

Now, if somebody said they don't like Dolly Parton, THEN I would say this person has a problem. Who doesn't like Dolly Parton?

New York City Police Officer Shows Me The Love

I was rushing home to watch Late Night with Jimmy Fallon and was hit by a cop car. That first part was a joke. But serious...I was crossing 3rd ave and 23rd street at 11:20 PM on Friday night and a cop car (in emergency mode) hit me and drove away.
Crazy, right?

After I flew off the driver's rearview mirror, I stood up and scurried out of the street. A couple people came to my aid and said "That police car just hit you. Are you OK?" Given that I'm in a state of shock, I told everyone I was okey-dokey and got on the subway. Once I sat down and checked out my throbbing left calf, I noticed I had a fugly gash. I also couldn't bend my right arm.

Long story short, I called the precinct and the operator said " you're kidding, right?" We both laughed uncomfortably and he encouraged me to file a complaint asap. What's worse than getting hit by a cop car??? Spending your Saturday in a precinct.

Screw Motherhood. I've Got Sweaty 22 Year-Olds To Manhandle

And you thought YOUR mom could be embarassing. Atleast you're not Lourdes and have to explain this recent "I'M STILL YOUNG AND SEXY" photo shoot Madge starred in for W Magazine.

Once again, Madonna plays the part of sexual tourist. Remember the Sex book? You know...when Madonna asked a man twice her age, Vanilla Ice and a couple guys who looked like Deeter to justify her love? This time around it's a trip to Rio. Ahhhh, nothing like hanging out in a hotel room in extremely dangerous Rio with four guys half your age.

The Mysterious Case of Madge aging backwards has commenced and unfortunately the recent cheek implants are a sign of Wacko Jacko behaviour just around the corner.

Look...An STD Vending Machine!

Wasn't VH1 supposed to be the G-rated version of MTV? Parents everywhere, I strongly urge you to child-lock your boob-tube. Otherwise, run the risk of Joey Junior asking you to define herpes before kindergarten enrollment. What the hell is with this show?

The skank factor is through the roof from the moment the credits start. What floored me was the scene too shocking to be seen. You know, the one where Nikki put a shot glass where one need not be and two groupies were so repulsed they had to leave the premises. If you can turn the sex meter up high enough to scare off groupies you should be banned from species propagation.

Of course, that moment was all but forgotten when Marcia drank herself into a puke frenzy before meeting Bret for the first time. But how does one mask puke flavor when she's about to tongue-tackle a washed up rock star five minutes after introduction? Eat a fun-tube of Pizza Pringles. Can you feel it? Valentine's day is just around the corner.

If it looks like a duck...it could actually be a goose!

I don't want to hear 'Pregnant Man' again. I DON'T! Can't we call it a pregnant thing? I consider myself open-minded. Tell me I should think outside the box but I'm smart enough to know that if you're still using the box you were born with, you're a woman. No?

Question: What if you have a uterus and facial hair? Answer: You're probably a woman who's of Mediterranean descent in need of electrolysis.
Question: What if you have a uterus and pecs? Answer: Pecs or flat chested? That's the real question.
Question: What if you have a uterus and a man's haircut? Answer: You have a uterus and a man's haircut.

Halloween's a Comin'

So, Joe The Plumber and Joe Six-Pack Walk Into A Bar...

...and prove the Republican campaign really is a joke. What is the Republican's obsession with the name Joe? Palin said "Say it ain't so Joe", Joe Six-Pack and now a plumber from Ohio whose real name is Sam.

Sam Wurzelbacher is currently touring with the McCains to talk to idiots everywhere about what it's like to be Joe. EVEN THOUGH HIS NAME IS SAM! He should take the money he was hoping to make next year (250K) and buy himself an education. The man has no business prospects that could garner any amount remotely close to what he told Obama. In fact, if Sam/Joe doesn't get $1,546.85 soon he's going to foreclose on his two bedroom ranch in one of the more impoverished areas of Ohio.

I'm soooo sick of this election. What's next? Other than a vigorous search for another Joe crucifixion? Our decisions have been made. Doesn't change the fact that a country which should see the blatant and obvious decision together still stands divided.

Yet Another Bush We Can't Trust

Stand back government. A new MAVERICK is in town. Maverick. Joe Six Pack and Tammy-Sue-Hockey-Mom want to fight. Fight, fight, fight for American values. Maverick. So when you step into, Maverick, that good ol' voting medal thingy and, Maverick, uh oh...brain feels hot, must take deep Maverick breaths. Circuits are frying. Forgetting what I was, Maverick, told to say tonight at this fight, I mean, debate. Maverick. Central computer shutting down. Maverick.

The Hustler

Since I could remember, I always wanted to meet Audrey Hepburn, Anne Bancroft and George Carlin. We lose our heroes as we age. I thought I'd get to meet Paul Newman. Que sera!

Fingers are crossed Steven Seagal has a couple more years in him.

Gay Gaiken is GAY???