If You Know This Man...

I want an introduction post-haste. I seriously want to be friends with this guy. He not only rocks the mini-piano but also rocks the government issue eye-wear and the free hat. Take a break from your stressful day and press play.

No Longer A Brace-Face

An angry German who's been treating my mouth like it's a broken car for the past year, yanked the braces off my teeth today. This is what I look like now...

Viagra For EVERYONE

My gmail account was hacked into this morning and everyone I've ever sent an email to woke up to me encouraging them to purchase Viagra. That's funny when it's your friends, your mom and your enemies. It's not funny when it's your your ex-boyfriends, your dad and your employer.

Biting Into An Onion

New York City wasn't supposed to be the big apple. It was supposed to be the big onion but some guy changed that and now this cold-hearted city is named after a sweet red fruit when it should be named after a vegetable riddled with layers, delicious when sauteed in butta and makes you tear up when you cut into it. That's New York.

I moved to NYC almost ten years ago and many would say I'm almost a New Yorker. The plan was to be an actress. Not that I was completely hell bent on this purpose, but I was convinced I wasn't smart enough to do anything else. Here I am, nine years later, a successful (at least by my definition) real estate broker in one of the most cutthroat cities in the world for this profession and I wouldn't have it any other way. You'd never know I was making plans to move out of this town a year ago. I wanted to leave because I couldn't figure out the difference between wanting and expecting. I have come to realize that want can take you almost anywhere and expecting will most likely lead you to disappointment...in my mind the worst of emotions.

I signed a lease on an adorable apartment in Williamsburg. It's not what I had expected but as of late, it is definitely what I want. And now I find myself close to that high one gets when they first move to this God forsaken city. The high we all chase because after living through a razor-blade cold winter, cop cars driving into you while crossing Third Ave and going into debt in hopes of a comeback, there has to be a reason to stick around.

Worshipping At The Altar Hamm

All you single ladies (and taken ladies) know what I'm talking about when I say DAMN I want me some Hamm. The first time I saw Mad Men my hunger for Hamm was insatiable. But when he winds up trumping Baldwin and Walken as one of the all time great SNL hosts, I can't get him out of my mind. Of course, any woman whose been dating artists her whole life gets weak in the pelvis when a man wears a suit and that Hamm can wear a suit. I'd give my left ovary for a John Hamm bobble head just so I can watch him nod yes, Stefani, yes.

Am I The Only One...

Who confuses Jason Sudeikis(SNL) with Ed Helms(The Office)?

!!!!! I Ran The NYC Marathon In Heels !!!!!

For ten seconds of my life I got to run in the NYC Marathon. With absolutely no training and the fuel of one bagel with scallion cream cheese, I ran one block of the marathon while it was making it's way through Brooklyn and I was making my way to work. I didn't place. Hell, I didn't even get winded. No need to send congrats. I know I'm a winner regardless.

Buying Property On Shit's Creek

Are you without a paddle? Without a job? Without a penny? Because I got some property for you and nearly 75% of this country is going into debt paying for it.

That's pretty much what Michael Moore dishes out to his audience in Capitalism: A Love Story. I recommend everyone on the verge of losing their home see this movie. And anyone who doesn't have a job. And anyone living in Michigan. Hell...anyone.

I went to the premiere and though I was not completely surprised by the rage and fear capitalism has brought to this country, I did learn a lot about it's origins. I learned that Ronald Reagan was a douche bag and the first president to open the corporate floodgate into Washington. I learned about a disturbing (and oddly legal) clause called Dead Peasants. I learned what it's like to be inside a home when a family is kicked out due to foreclosure.

Unfortunately, no enlightenment whether the government and the banking system will pay for what they've done. THAT has to be the most disturbing portion of the movie; the unanswered question of accountability. Aside from yacht shrinkage, the people who put you and your future children up shit's creek will hardly be effected by this. Especially since all of us bailed them out.

Neither a Cougar, Puma Nor A Tiger Be

Who decided to title sexually active women (of a certain age) who like to sleep with boys (of a certain age) after a wild feline? And who the hell embraces it? This lame name-calling has been around for a couple years now and I thought it would be a passing fad but with a show like Cougar Town and a movie called The Puma coming out, the cat-calling is here to stay. Yes, it looks like I need to buckle down and accept the idea; should I choose to have sex with a younger man, I am an animal! I am no longer a human but a wild cat who spends her days napping and licking her paws between kill. What are men called when they sleep with younger women? Aside from "lucky"?

Michael Vick Attacked...

In a freak accident, the likes not one man could have predicted, Michael Vick was attacked by an angry pitbull, who was apparently sent from God, during Eagles pre-season practice.

"Everything was copacetic at practice" an anonymous friend of Vicks said in a statement "I was watching the practicing and stuff and next thing you know, the clouds seperated and shit and a pitbull fell to the Earth and landed on the 50 yard line and made a rush for Mikey and then bit his ass. For serious".

Many would argue that Michael had this coming. Afterall, dude thought it was cool to watch animals kill themselves for his entertainment. However, though a dog falling from a cloud may seem like a delivery from God; if there really is a God, Vick would have gotten more than a bite to the ass...HE WOULD HAVE BEEN CHARGED WITH A FELONY!