A Spoonful Of Sugar

I'm on day three of the master cleanse so maybe I'm hyper-critical of those who over-indulge...of which Paula Deen is the poster-woman. I saw the clip I posted here a year ago. Therefore, at the moment she took a bite out of a meat paddy topped with a fried egg and bacon and sandwiched between two Krispy Kreme donuts, she was well aware she has diabetes. She made a good chunk of money leading her audience to respiratory failure and now she can expand her audience to those shopping for diabeties meds.

Many people addicted to drugs know exactly what their fate is. Whether it be cigarettes, crack or alcohol; their destiny is looming and it's taking a back seat to their drug of choice. Instead of taking the high road and telling her audience she's going to kick the addiction to dangerous food, lose some weight and lose the diabetes; she's going to sell you some meds and teach you how to deep fry a macaroni and cheese ball.

So, I'm on a cleanse and attacking a woman who wouldn't go near a cleanse with a six foot baguette, so who am I to judge? I love fattening food. I ate pizza with friends a week and a half ago and insisted we start with prosciutto wrapped around mozzarella cheese. And I've had deep fried oreos and they were damn good. And I firmly believe broccoli only tastes good with cheese on it. But I practice all of this in moderation and Paula didn't suggest moderation to her audience (though she's suggesting it now that everyone's hissing at her).

Fingers are crossed I can make it to day ten (I've only managed to get to 7 days in the past) and when that day comes and I phase back into solid food, pizza may be on the menu...and it will be sandwiched between salads.

Lights Out!

The first week of 2012 is bringing the sad news that the warm glow of the incandescent light bulb will be dimmed and pretty much snuffed out by June. Prohibition style bars need to stock up on their newly prohibited bulbs before they're forced to use the ugly flourescents being forced on us all. What next, polaroid cameras?

The Link Between Occupy Wall Street And The Kardashian Divorce

I can't speak for the rest of the country but there is an energy in the air in NYC since OWS has begun. Regardless of what political party you belong to you're probably sympathizing with people who are throwing cinder blocks at Chase Bank right about now. And if you're a fan of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, you're probably throwing a cinder block at your television.

I don't watch anything involving the Kardashians but lately I haven't had much of a choice. They've invaded the news...THE NEWS...with the announcement of Kim K's divorce from some basketball player who (as described to me by a friend over dinner) looks like a fetal alcohol syndrome baby. Regardless, people are downright furious with the Kardashian family simply because they feel as though they got played. Or maybe they're upset with themselves for buying into this "reality" show and are taking their self-deprecation out on the subject that caused it. At the end of the day, nothing is making an American more angry than rich people laughing their way to the bank at the expense of the lower classes.

So, while you're moving assets from whatever major bank you're with to the bank down the street, maybe you should stop watching reality television as well. Why put more dollars in the designer handbags of the "Real" Housewives of whatever expensive zip code chosen by some loony producer? Or, better yet, eliminate your cable account altogether. Who needs 1000 TV channels anyway?

Back In Action

I've removed the lock on this blog because I was changing the lives of strangers with it and I don't see why I should stop. I was having drinks with an old friend last night who asked me about my blog and I told him that after I put the lock on I stopped enjoying it. But getting the occasional fan-email from some random person from god knows where was delightful so I thought I'd resuscitate this baby and have some fun with it.

My first order of business is this lady. Her make-it-happen attitude is inspiring. But her terrible toad voice is not. Sounds like she's using her throat as an ashtray.

This Man Checked Me Out

Or I think he was. While having a drink a couple tables from Josh Hartnett at Delmanos, I could have sworn he was shooting "who's that lady?" eyes at me. The only reason why I don't know for certain is because I'M BLIND! I'm so freakin blind. The whole world is a blur to me. That's why this Thursday I will be having corrective surgery. I will have lasers shot into my eyes. No more walking past waving acquaintances. No more driving past the home I grew up in. No more missing eye contact with hot washed up movie stars. Free at last...thank god all mighty free at last.

Three Minutes of Adorable You Won't Soon Forget...

MARCEL THE SHELL WITH SHOES ON from Dean Fleischer-Camp on Vimeo.

Welcome Friends and Family...ONLY

So, I created this blog two years ago as a way to share the garbage in my brain to friends and family alike. But I'm currently trying to obtain two things (job and a boyfriend) and find that the blog is essentially sharing way too much info with people I'd like to actually get to know : ) So I had two options...get rid of the blog or make it inaccessible.

If you're reading this, I accepted your request to keep reading my brain garbage. Enjoy.

Watch This Little Girl Rock Out

I love the look in her eye. It screams "You're a failure that you can't do this. A poor useless failure!" Seriously, its borderline creepy halfway through when she starts hypontize with her super-talent eyes. That rhymes. At the 2:28 mark, girl gets all out feisty.

Lock Up Your Wives!

Why Are We Still Singing About Da Club?

Every decade has it's call to action music. Music indicative of what the hell was going on. So why are they still writing songs about the club? Flor Rida just dropped his new single The Club Can't Handle Me. Hello! We're in a recession. Every state has its own oil spill. Mel Gibson has lost his mind and not one song out there is saying "shit's gotta stop". No, it's some jack ass singing "I'm poppin bottles in the club with Paris Hilton" in auto-tune. This isn't getting old yet? I'm going to chalk it up to the fact that 2010 isn't over. Maybe in 2011 a songwriter will mention war or something else that needs to come to an end...like Miley Cyrus movies.

Easy Peasy

Put A Stamp On It

I just renewed my passport and I can hardly bare to open it. Every passport has the standard three first pages of legal travel jargon. After that you typically find a booklet of various boxes inviting stamps from all over the world. Not the new ones. Your next passport is going to be a smattering of images of romanticized America. Just to name a few; bald eagles looking off in the distance, railroad trains from the 20's, Mount Rushmore and (my personal favorite) a bear wrestling a fish next to a totem pole. This is essentially what happens when the USA gives your passport a tongue bath. Where are the images of people collecting unemployment checks, meth lab trailers darting a country landscape and oil sludge covered ocean water? You know, American stuff.

Double Rainbow and Triple Crazy

Everyone knows you should be with a group of friends when you do shrooms on a camping trip so this video is testament to how you shouldn't fly without a copilot.

Have you ever laughed hysterically while someone was crying? Here's your chance...

I Bit The Bullet and Bought An Air Conditioner So I Could Fight This Mother Fucker Who's Currently Blowing Through NYC

I'm not a fan of the ugly loud box you stick in your window and have managed to get by for quite some time without one but alas, in this current heatwave, I don't have much of a choice. After two sleepless nights laying next to a fan that was blowing hot air on me, I have finally bought an ac unit. You can now welcome me to the 21st century.

The Year Of Living Dirty

Actually, its been every year since the beginning of time but this is the year where almost every man in a position of power was caught with their pants down. I'm on the fence with regards to Al Gore and the masseuse. She sold her story to The Enquirer which is a little suspect. However, any man paying over $500 to have a rubdown in a hotel room probably has some pretty high expectations.

Other countries must think us Americans are pretty silly. A majority of the planet view cheating as the spice of life; a politician that doesn't cheat lacks passion and therefore is not an ideal leader. The Chinese apparently think that cheating politicians are demons with fire in their eyes...literally. Check out the video above.

Cerebral Tease

Sofia Coppola is back at it again. After flack for Marie Antoinette (misunderstood) she returns to old form with another coming-into-ones-own film on par with Lost In Translation. I'm loving this trailer for a couple reasons. Stephen Dorff is apparently getting a comeback and "I'll Try Anything Once" performed in the background---Julian Casablancas lives on.

I've always been a fan of the no-dialogue trailer. Little Children won a Golden Trailer award for this very reason. I'm sure you've seen the opposite..."let's tell the whole damn story for the audience so they don't have to go to the movie to figure it out for themselves" trailers. I'm a trailer junkie so you need to trust me on this...LESS Information, MORE Audience!

Too Old To Wear A Onesie

I celebrated my birthday last week. I am, well...one year older than I was last year. I usually have some kind of physical reaction the week of my birthday but this time around, it sailed past with nary a sign of its existence other than a big party followed by dinner with my closest friends and then another big party. How can you pout about getting old when your birthday was so awesome, right?

While shopping the other day I used the words "I'm too old to wear that" to a very sweet sales attendant at an East Village boutique. She asked me to try on a romper. Rompers have always looked like a diaper sewn to your t-shirt but the new silk ones are pretty cute and if you had legs like mine, you'd wear one too. I digress, because the point of the story is...it doesn't matter how good you look in a romper, if you're my age, you shouldn't be wearing one. Of course the attendant said "Too old? What are you talking about? That's like stupid." Some people think I look younger then I actually am. I wasn't about to tell this 16 year old she's trying to put a diaper on someone who's old enough to be her...older sister.

So, onwards and upwards I say. I have chosen to embrace my age (that doesn't mean I have to share it with you) and enjoy what little time we have on this planet. I'll be doing that in appropriate attire.

If You Know This Man...

I want an introduction post-haste. I seriously want to be friends with this guy. He not only rocks the mini-piano but also rocks the government issue eye-wear and the free hat. Take a break from your stressful day and press play.

No Longer A Brace-Face

An angry German who's been treating my mouth like it's a broken car for the past year, yanked the braces off my teeth today. This is what I look like now...

Viagra For EVERYONE

My gmail account was hacked into this morning and everyone I've ever sent an email to woke up to me encouraging them to purchase Viagra. That's funny when it's your friends, your mom and your enemies. It's not funny when it's your your ex-boyfriends, your dad and your employer.