Am I The Only One...

Who confuses Jason Sudeikis(SNL) with Ed Helms(The Office)?

!!!!! I Ran The NYC Marathon In Heels !!!!!

For ten seconds of my life I got to run in the NYC Marathon. With absolutely no training and the fuel of one bagel with scallion cream cheese, I ran one block of the marathon while it was making it's way through Brooklyn and I was making my way to work. I didn't place. Hell, I didn't even get winded. No need to send congrats. I know I'm a winner regardless.

Buying Property On Shit's Creek

Are you without a paddle? Without a job? Without a penny? Because I got some property for you and nearly 75% of this country is going into debt paying for it.

That's pretty much what Michael Moore dishes out to his audience in Capitalism: A Love Story. I recommend everyone on the verge of losing their home see this movie. And anyone who doesn't have a job. And anyone living in Michigan. Hell...anyone.

I went to the premiere and though I was not completely surprised by the rage and fear capitalism has brought to this country, I did learn a lot about it's origins. I learned that Ronald Reagan was a douche bag and the first president to open the corporate floodgate into Washington. I learned about a disturbing (and oddly legal) clause called Dead Peasants. I learned what it's like to be inside a home when a family is kicked out due to foreclosure.

Unfortunately, no enlightenment whether the government and the banking system will pay for what they've done. THAT has to be the most disturbing portion of the movie; the unanswered question of accountability. Aside from yacht shrinkage, the people who put you and your future children up shit's creek will hardly be effected by this. Especially since all of us bailed them out.

Neither a Cougar, Puma Nor A Tiger Be

Who decided to title sexually active women (of a certain age) who like to sleep with boys (of a certain age) after a wild feline? And who the hell embraces it? This lame name-calling has been around for a couple years now and I thought it would be a passing fad but with a show like Cougar Town and a movie called The Puma coming out, the cat-calling is here to stay. Yes, it looks like I need to buckle down and accept the idea; should I choose to have sex with a younger man, I am an animal! I am no longer a human but a wild cat who spends her days napping and licking her paws between kill. What are men called when they sleep with younger women? Aside from "lucky"?

Michael Vick Attacked...

In a freak accident, the likes not one man could have predicted, Michael Vick was attacked by an angry pitbull, who was apparently sent from God, during Eagles pre-season practice.

"Everything was copacetic at practice" an anonymous friend of Vicks said in a statement "I was watching the practicing and stuff and next thing you know, the clouds seperated and shit and a pitbull fell to the Earth and landed on the 50 yard line and made a rush for Mikey and then bit his ass. For serious".

Many would argue that Michael had this coming. Afterall, dude thought it was cool to watch animals kill themselves for his entertainment. However, though a dog falling from a cloud may seem like a delivery from God; if there really is a God, Vick would have gotten more than a bite to the ass...HE WOULD HAVE BEEN CHARGED WITH A FELONY!

First There Was The Snuggie...

Now there's this fabulous item you can take to the alter of "God I'm so fucking single".

Of course, writing this evil stuff means I'll probably end up owning more than ten cats, take up knitting, wear Snuggies, join book clubs for the booze, own that weird mannequin that came out in the late 90's that you leave in your car to freak-out robbers. Now you can add this stuffed arm and chest to that list.

Honestly, I'd buy this thing yesterday if it showed some chest and had a tan. What woman wants to snuggle up to vivid blue shirt buttoned tight up to the chin? Looks like it could sit up at any minute and ask me to join him for a round of croquet.

Mess With The Bull And You'll Get The Horns

$1500 settlement with the city. Of course, after attorney fees, that'll turn into $780.00. But that's $780.00 more than I had before the cop drove into me on that fateful night many moons ago. By the time I receive the check, it'll probably be a year after the accident. Of course, I think my other option was to call the six o' clock news and tell my story to the people of NYC but that's tacky. I'm not going out like that.

This video is like an interpretive dance in relation to the whole experience between me and the city. FYI, I'm not the bull in this story.

DESPERATION HAS A NAME...

Boxed Hair-Dye!!! Those who know me well and love me well, have to endure countless hours of my hair chatter. I could talk you into the next year about my hair. Straight, curly, blonde, auburn, chocolate, caramel...etc. I've done it all. I've had countless styles and countless stylists. I'm sure you've heard the story about the wanker that bleached the top of my head and dyed the rest black? The last he's been seen was on the side of a milk carton. That's all I'm gonna say about that!

The economy is putting me in a style choke-hold. No more stylists for Shock. Unless I find one in a charitable mood, box-dye here I come.

More Flags, More Of This Freak!

It's that time of year again where we all get to have our favorite TV shows interupted by the dancing Six Flags wanker who's probably 28 but puts on enough facial prosthetics to make Madonna jealous. What's more annoying? His dancing or the song he dances too? I can't stand him. I want to rip the glasses off his face and poop on them. And then impersonate his dance right in front of him and his family. Reeeally put the man into some serious therapy.

The Michael You Choose To Remember

The man who haunted us while living, continues to do so in death. Seriously. How much longer do we need to mourn the death of a man who (as of the last twenty years) has only made a name for himself as a pedophile who almost tossed a baby over a balcony?

While I was cooking eggs this morning I listened to The Today Show's coverage of the looming hullabaloo going on tonight at the Staples Center's MJ mourn festival. Then Akon performed a tribute cover of 'You Want To Be Starting Something'. Once Al Sharpton started dictating how everyone should feel I no longer wanted my omelette. But then the child within compelled me to jump on youtube and take a stroll down memory lane.

Beat It was a turning point in my life. I distinctly remember eating Flinstones Cereal and watching MTV the morning the Beat It video premiered. I couldn't keep it together. The man had some crazy talent. He danced his way into a street fight and into my heart. Soon after, on a family trip to Cedar Point, my dad landed a dart on the bulls-eye and I chose a framed pic of Michael Jackson as my prize. Oh, the countless nights spent listening to Thriller and crying on the glass barrier between me and Michael in his white jacket, reclining in a dreamy backlit haze.

So,this morning I was the 33,102,332nd person to watch Beat It and I'll say it...I got a little choked up. I remembered what it was like to see him for the first time. For four minutes and fifty-seven seconds, all the negative press that tracked his every move, true or not, didn't matter. It's bittersweet that videos like Beat It, Billy Jean and Thriller stand as painful reminders that the Michael we all miss died a long time ago.