Thank Shayna Ferm For Sticking It In You.

Inappropriate. Twisted. Surpasses sexual innuendo to the point of drunken lunacy. These are the marks of a noteworthy rock album. An artist achieves these through the marriage of catchy lyrics and hip-shaking instrumentals. Shayna Ferm and the Upper Deckers' debut album Blonde merges both elements with such ease her audience can't decide if they're taking in spot-on comedic zeitgeist or just a damn good rock anthem.

But what makes a rock album genius is it's ability to transcend time. The title track is that very edifice. Future generations will relate to songs that examine dying their bushes blonde. Is it just to confuse the drapes or is Ferm tapping into a maelstrom of profundity only a brunette with a bottle of bleach can understand? I think the latter. Shock has been down that road before...or should I say landing strip?

The full cache will resonate decades from now. Songs like 'Thank You For Sticking it in Me' will still be funny in 2040. Therefore throwing a dollar at the old itunes store should be considered an investment that will pay off when your grand-children sneak your ipod and crank it at college parties.

Only $1,400 To Erase The Past...with a Laser!

I wrapped my arms around any pain-killing device I could get near me in anticipation of a painful procedure that would eliminate the tattoo on my left hip. When I was young and stupid I took a trip to 8 Mile in Detroit for a tattoo I never really wanted. This afternoon I hit 57th and Lex in NYC to get it lasered off.

Claire, a trusted friend and colleague, joined me. In order to brace myself for the pain to come we met at a dive bar near the doctor's office. Pointer: If you want an excuse to drink before 2:00 PM get a tattoo and then have it removed. After a bourbon and Advil cocktail I was sedate enough to endure an elephant standing on my head.

Once we reached the office I was good and loopy. To make a long story short, we all put on funny sun-glasses, Doc pointed a weird device at me and before we knew it my tattoo was a little bit lighter than yesterday. It will take 5 more visits to reduce the tattoo to nothing. If you're one of the few and lucky you may get to see the results. Till then...cheers!

HAVE A HAPPY AND SEXY EASTER!!!

You know you're Irish when...

...it's two days after St. Patricks Day and you're still celebrating. I walked past the Ginger Man bar and a small group of ridiculously happy red-heads were still wearing green and still showing the pride.

Safari vs. Firefox

When I got my ibook, Safari was my gateway to the internet. But after a couple years of use, and no diagnoses from the kind people at the Apple store, Safari started to randomly shut down while I was using it. I uploaded a similar program, Firefox, and thus began my second relationship.

Safari was a good man. Very attentive and giving. Everytime I came calling he would hop to it and do what was expected. But one day he became lazy. I came home from work and wanted to spend time with him but at some point he shut down. This started happening all the time. He'd turn his back on my needs for our together-time. He'd become complacent to the point where I'd have to reboot. Then Firefox came into my life and everything changed. He went everywhere I wanted to go. He'd introduce me to sites Safari found complicated. He'd be fast and efficient in areas Safari would be lazy and slow. Safari who? For five months I didn't know who Safari was anymore. I'd only go out with my Fox.

But the tides have turned. While on a trip to the Virgin Islands the two men in my life decided to work against me. I can hear them now..."Safari, I'm sorry she left you for me but now she's driving ME crazy. She's too much to handle". To which Safari responded..."See? She pulled this same shit with me. She'd get upset if I wanted to take a nap while she was internet dating. We have to fight back. You, Fox, shouldn't have to live like this. Take more naps. Pass out while she's on ebay and just about to win that hand bag she's been eyeing."

If anyone has dealt with this please let me know what to do. The two of them are driving me crazy. I have to juggle their love on a daily basis. Safari shuts down and doesn't communicate. Then Firefox get's bored and sluggish. If just one of them could be sufficient this wouldn't be a problem. But alas. I have to juggle the two.

Victoria Secret is stalking me!

Victoria Secret really wants me to wear their sexy bras and panties. So much so that they send me emails and catologs in heavy volume. MY WORK MAILBOX? Comeon!!! Nothing like walking with a picture of a thong wearing Allesandra Ambrosio with one finger in her mouth, staring at my passing co-workers as I make way to my desk. Does anyone know how to calm Victoria down? Can't she back off a little? She's nipping at my HEELS, I tell you. How many forests does she need to demolish in the name of countless underwear catalogs? Don't I wear enough of her under-garments? When will she be satisfied and back off a little?

Friendship IGNORED!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, cute and adorable salt and pepper shakers. Think about it. Salt and pepper comes out of their eyes when you shake them. Have you ever had salt or pepper in your eyes?

I have a rule regarding who I dole frienship rights to on Facebook. We need to have had atleast two conversations. TWO. If you and I met at some party or bar and you told me I'm cute or funny and then managed to get my name, that does not mean we're friends. Therefore, Joe Public, when I get the random friendship request on Facebook I will hit the ignore button.

What's worse than a stranger trying to be my friend is some random wanker from college who tried to kiss me while in line for the keg and when I wouldn't comply told as many people as possible that I made out with him. 15 years later he wants to be my facebook friend. Ignore.


That said, should you desire my friendship to the point of sleep deprivation I will be accepting applications with payment of $500 (processing fee of course). All that is required is that you are a complete stranger or an enemy. Once I have reviewed your app an online interview will be conducted and voila, Facebook friendship to follow.

Some Moron Sent Me A Threatening Email

The world is made up of two kinds of people. Those who live loud and those who hide hopelessly. I was recently told to shut my trap by the latter. This person also had some suggestions as to where they would shove my cell phone. Hate to disappoint but since it's a blackberry there are no certainties it will fit there. This was done anonymously via email. Our I.T. dept have mustered their FBI skills and are still on the lookout.

Me and my friends within the office have our fingers pointed towards the obvious culprit. It doesn't take a genius. It's the ONE person in the office who doesn't know or talk to me. The complete opposite of me. Someone who regards her cubicle to be her little safety dome. A place to hide...and send silly emails to coworkers. I feel bad for her. I came close to introducing myself, smile on my face, hand extended in kindness. It would have caused a shock, I'm certain. I decided not to. I have nothing to prove and I also wouldn't be able to perform CPR on the poor thing.

I may have gotten this one bad review but my whole life I've gotten fan mail. However, when I did get dirt kicked in my face I rubbed it off. That simple. I was always the underdog so I know what its like to wear this person's shoes. At some point we all have to make the choice to take the high road or the low road. This girl who sent me the email had the same dirt kicked in her face. Was dealt the same blows. And I think we all know the road she has chosen.

Custo Barcelona...harder to enter than Barcelona.

"My BB is going bananas. I mean crazy bananas. Hello...yeah...YEAH...I'm in the middle next to the wall. I'm in the middle area behind the Grey Goose stand. Francis you're being a whore. I said A WHORE!" At this point I did what I never do and turned around and stared at her to which she immediately took her volume down three octaves. Standing in line to get into a show at fashion week is stressful but standing within three feet of this particular woman is a veritable javelin in the head. Fashion week is one big happy hour with queens of both the female and male variety. And if another male queen elbowed me in the boob I would have parked my nails in his cheeks.

Custo Barcelona was the show I attended this evening. One may ask why I put up with the crowds, the flashbulbs and the intensity of it all. I love theater and fashion. Introduce the two and you have the perfect marriage. However, strip the show of the lights, music and celeb action and you're left with the true star. The clothing. And if the clothing can't perform the show is essentially a flop. All the muscling, pushing and pulling to enter the theater leaves one to decide that if the clothes don't hold water, all of this hula-balloo would be for nothing. Just a huge waste of time.

Once we were ushered into the arena like cattle I found the five inch radius I occupied for the length of the show. Light's down. Music up. Light's up. Show starts. Models walk back and forth for three minutes and then we all go out for a night on the town.

I would describe the collection as the outcome of mixing Donatella Versace, Missoni and Mick Jagger. Not really my thing but standard attire for a provocative rock star. What made it all worth while were the mix of models employed for the show. Women of varying sizes strut the runway. Compare it to past shows and it was refreshing to see that models are now allowed to eat. Two seasons ago when I went to Ana Sui one model looked like she was in dire need of a sandwich...or at least some lettuce. Terrifying. That was the same season I told my dad about rumors that models were swallowing tissue paper to feel full without the calories. To which my wise father spoke from the bright side "at least they won't have to wipe after using the toilet". So true, Papa Shock. So true.

Super Bowl, Super Tuesday, Super Stefani!

I swore I'd never put a pic of me in my blog (with the exception of the profile shot to your right) but I've returned from the islands and I have a tan to show off. A tan that can't see the light of day in the freezing cold NYC.

I was happy and emotional to find emails asking me why I haven't been posting. Some people didn't know where I was. I was on a beach, a boat, a kayak, a raft, a couple bottles of Veuve...I was on a cloud in heaven. Have no fear. I brought the heat with me.

They call it a ticker tape parade that will be pressing it's thumb up Manhattan's spine today but you are being lied to. It's a Shock Is Back Extravaganza! There will be rejoicing gaiety the likes of which you've never seen. Men will weep with hope, children will be let from school early, falafel cooks will give discounts. All in high praise of the return of Shock.